The Director of Input purchased a greeting card with a chip that sang a Christmas ditty. She hypothesized that the study subjects at the Institute would pay no attention to the card. She opened it in the Institute office and this video documents the results of the experiment:
Test results: Velvet attacked the card in a frenzy of vicious activity which proves that kitty cats do respond to meows from cards. In fact, the director sustained massive injuries while rescuing the card from flying claws. Actually, she hardly felt the scratches which look ghastly but are healing quickly. But feel free to send a get-well card to the Institute with a nice donation tucked inside for medical expenses.
The Director of Output at the Institute held the hypothesis that some kitties have tongues so long they tend to peek out now and then. To test the hypothesis, the directors recorded for a week which of the six study subjects at the Institute might have an excessively long tongue.
Result: Three out of six study subjects displayed a tongue that slipped out which indicated that the tongue was too long for the mouth to contain at all times. This is scientific proof that 50% of all kitty cats have tongues too long for their mouths. The hypothesis is now a theory and is documented in the following photos.
Here at the Institute for Kitty Cat Research we have had a number of research breakthroughs. One occurred when we discovered that it is not just kittens who love the roll of toilet paper in the downstairs powder room. Seventeen-year-old kitty cats have proven that they can also wind the maypole.
We are eco-minded. It is a shame to waste tissue that has simply been wound around furniture legs. So, we often rewrap salvageable tissue and place it in our master bath. We have tried putting tissue in nearby drawers in the powder room, however we have discovered that kitties open drawers and cabinet doors. Also, there is the problem of remembering to tell a guest ahead of time where the toilet paper is hidden. Ah, the awkwardness of it all. We keep the door closed but if a guest forgets to reclose it, the next guest gets to deal with the destruction.
Observational results: Kitty cats, old and young, love that toilet paper!
Our excellent study subject, Socks, likes to fetch his favorite toy multiple times. It looks like a stuffed felt fortune cookie. Today, while taking a break from deleting emails, I wondered if he could surpass his record number of 36 fetches. So I threw and he fetched. Threw, fetched, threw, fetched. . . At 34 rounds, a pain in my shoulder immobilized my arm and I told the boy as he dropped his fortune cookie at my feet — No more. Ah, the guilt I felt in not being able to let him break his own record.
The experiment will have to wait for another day or two or three.
Today I tested a new, expensive canned food on the five study subjects. I was convinced all five would devour it within the half-hour. The first five ingredients were protein meats and broth. It had no grains or meat by-products. Velvet was hovering over the can as I pulled the tab. She sniffed and walked away. I sniffed and was carried away by the savory aroma of baked chicken. It smelled as good as anything I would serve my husband. Oh well, I thought, the other four study subjects will like it. Hours later it I returned to the feeding area and saw the delicacy had not been touched. The study subjects stood milling at my feet awaiting something more palatable.
Conclusion: Price and high-grade ingredients do not guarantee a fine meal.
We have discovered that the average amount of time a nice cup of warm chocolate milk can sit on one’s desk before it is inspected by a nearby kitty cat is only five minutes. One has to be careful to shield beverages from inspectors, else one will be typing away at the computer and become aware of lapping sounds a foot away.
We wanted to see how long a post note paperwad would remain on the average kitty cat’s head while napping. We placed paperwads on five of the study subjects at the Institute during their post-breakfast nap.
Result: The average duration was only 3 seconds
Conclusion: This proves that most kitty cats do not like post note paperwads on their heads.